I've been quiet on the blog lately. For the past 2 months or so, I've been digesting the news I learned back in September: the news that not only am I pregnant, I'm pregnant with TWINS! I've had trouble coming out with this noteworthy bit of information here, mainly because it's so difficult for me to articulate my feelings about it.
Looking back on that first ultrasound, Jeff and I were so fixated on seeing that one little heartbeat that we didn't even consider the possibility of twins. Then Dr. H. dropped the bomb.
Dr. H.: "Hmm, I'm seeing a nice, strong heartbeat here—see it?"
Me: "Yes, yes! I see it...oh, thank God."
Dr. H.: "Let me just take a better look around here and make sure there's just one."
Me: "Just one?"
Dr. H.: "Yes, let's just double check—so far it looks like there's just one, but let me see...OH. OH. Wait a minute. Look at this. You little stinker. You little stinker. Look who's hiding out over here. That's a second baby, Mom and Dad."
Me: "WHAT? Are you sure?"
Jeff: "Uh, Dr. H., there's no more than two though, right?"
Dr. H.: "No, no more than two, but there's no mistaking these two heartbeats here. Congratulations!"
As Jeff and I gaped at each other in disbelief, Dr. H. advised us to not go telling the world, because it's common for one baby to not make it. They refer to this as a "vanishing twin", and it usually happens early in the pregnancy. But three ultrasounds later, the twins were still going strong. And I've been riding out every feeling and every reaction imaginable since then.
I'm all over the place. One minute I'm thrilled; the next I'm terrified. The first three months I was miserably sick, which only fed my anxiety over just how the hell I'm going to pull this off. None of it felt real during my first trimester—I kept waiting for bad news and wondering if all of it was really happening. This, I think, is only natural when you've suffered a loss in the past. But now there's just no mistaking it. I can feel the familiar little bubbles and taps in my belly, and I've watched no less than six ultrasounds reflecting these two little beings kicking and punching and rolling around inside of me.
I think there's a cycle of acceptance you go through when you discover something as monumental as twins—at least that's been my experience. First, I was in complete shock. Then entered denial and disbelief. After that, mind-numbing fear set in. Finally, I accepted that this was really happening, and that our life as we know it is soon to be completely undone. I think that's what I have the hardest time with: this whole MASSIVE CHANGE concept. I had a clear, set vision of one new life addition to our family—I just couldn't wrap my mind around two.
Guilt plays an integral role in all of this, too. We wanted another baby so badly—and now we were doubly blessed, right? Let's not even mention the battles we've fought with fertility, our recent miscarriage, or what so many women out there would give for even one child. My twin anxiety gave me a huge case of the guilts.
Jeff is remarkably stoic and positive about it all, which is a huge source of relief for me. He insists that it's going to "fun", and that we'll just get lots of help. Still—This is coming from a man who loves his sleep like I love chocolate, which is to say, a great deal.
When I went to Richmond this Christmas with my family, my outlook changed due to two things: one, holding my 1 day old new nephew, and two, seeing Vivienne and her cousin Georgia play together and fall completely in love.
Georgia and Vivi.
New baby Wallace.
When I held my sister's baby Wallace for the first time and inhaled that unmistakable new infant smell, I remembered it all. I remembered how hard having a newborn was, but more importantly, I remembered how little this bothered me because I was just that in love with Vivienne. The love overshadowed everything else, even lack of sleep and lack of time for, ahem—showering and minor conveniences like that. I have to believe that regardless of how hard this twins gig is, the love will take over again. Love, and a small team of hired help on call at all times.
During this past trip to Richmond, Georgia and Vivienne were inseparable. Georgia spent a lot of time at Mamie's house this holiday so Mindy and Adrian could get acclimated to baby Wallace and get settled in. Consequently, Georgia and Vivi partied it up big time. At 22 months, the cousins interacted so much more together on this visit. They followed each other around the house and cracked each other up with funny face and spitting contests. It was fascinating to watch— they seemed like twins themselves as they mirrored each other's actions and played. Only 19 hours separate their births, and it's uncanny how similar their build, hair length and mannerisms are. As I watched them collapse into giggles and roll around on the floor, I envisioned my future twin boys doing the same. Moments like these turn my anxiety into excitement and make it all seem more manageable, somehow.
Ah, yes. Did I forget to mention that they're boys? That was bombshell #2.
To anyone out there who has experience with twins, I'm hungry for information and advice. I've read 3 books already and feel only slightly more prepared. My tendency is to pull strangers with twins aside and interrogate them like I'm with the CIA. So, I'm eternally grateful for any tidbits you can give me...
In the meantime, I'm staying calm, and fighting with everything that's in me against purchasing a minivan.
Daddy
January 4, 2013
We can do this M! Gonna be a wild ride…
Shannon
January 5, 2013
Huge congrats Molly and Jeff! I bet Vivi will LOVE her new playmates and I can’t even imagine the cute overload in your house…!
Molly
January 5, 2013
Thanks, Shannon! Cute overload, for sure-you’ll have to come over and witness the craziness yourself!
Nina Fischbach
January 5, 2013
Molly there are some great twin groups on BabyCenter. I am sure you could learn a lot from the ladies on there. Plus a lot of them have had infertility issues so you will also have that in common. Good luck!! Drew and I are excited for you!!!
Molly
January 5, 2013
Thanks so much, Nina! Good suggestion with BabyCenter. Hope you’re enjoying that baby of yours, too!
Teri Hagedorn
January 5, 2013
Over the moon for you and Jeff! What a tremendous blessing, but it is also perfectly natural to feel anxious! I have a good friend in Atlanta who had a young daughter and then surprise twins several years ago. I can introduce you to each other if you like. I’m sure she will have some great advice for you!
Molly
January 6, 2013
Thanks so much, Teri! I’d love to meet your friend. I’m so thrilled for you guys and your new addition, Zephyr. One of these days I hope to finally meet your boys. Hmm, maybe a NYC babymoon is in order…
Sally Tirs
January 6, 2013
Selfishly Mamie is thrilled to have more precious grandchildren but I realize it seems overwhelming especially when you live away from family. You are both wonderful parents and I know you will figure out how to balance the time with the children and yourselves. Your blog was written beautifully and it expressed the fear and joy factor of multiples. We are here to love and support you through this incredible experience. Take care of yourself amazing daughter!!
Mary Crimmins
January 6, 2013
Molly—–
I LOVE YOUR BLOG!!!!!!!! You sound as though you have been through a bit, but the future holds tons of fun and love!
I am so very excited for you and Jeff. Hang in there—I hope you didn’t mind your Mom sending this to me—I would never have wanted to miss it!
Love you much–Mary
Molly
January 7, 2013
Thanks, Mary! So good to hear from you, and of course I don’t mind! There’s nothing private about this blog- it’s where I just put it all out there. So glad you enjoyed! Love you, too.
Ashley Gaylord
January 10, 2013
Molly,
I am a friend of Dodi Darrow’s and she introduced me to your hilarious and truthful blog. Dodi and I both grew up in Washington, NC and I’m pretty sure she thought to share your blog with me because I have a 5 year old lil girl and twin two year old boys. Every detail in your blog refreshed and reminded me of the intense emotions that come along with having twins…twin boys, none-the-less. I experienced every emotion you described…the good, bad and ugly ones. Time was my best friend and I can honestly say that I am in a much different place now that they are two, than when i was pregnant with them and even for that first year…and 2nd year…(sorry, just being honest:) Things are hilariously chaotic, disorderly, and out of control now…but for some reason, I am able to laugh and that makes all the difference. I could write forever on this topic…but right now, one of my boys is climbing up the 6ft tall bookcases in his bedroom and I’m worried that he’s gonna actually reach and break the porcelain giraffe that I have been trying to protect for the past two years:) If you ever wanna talk…I’m here! Honestly, it’s the greatest gift of all…just hard alot of the time. Take care.
Molly
January 10, 2013
Ashley, I owe Dodi big time for sending you to me. Thank you so much for your candor and honesty…I love talking to survivors— people who have been there and understand the challenges and joys of raising twins with a toddler. Right now, I’m replying to you as my 22-month-old is still finishing up her 3 hour nap. The house is quiet and calm. I’m doing my best to treasure this time before the insanity begins.
I’m glad to meet you and I hope you don’t mind if I reach out to you from time to time to beg you for advice. We’ll have so much in common with our older girl and twin boys. Thanks again for your wise words!
Tiffany @ The Bizy Mommy
January 10, 2013
Wowzers! Congrats on your wonderful news!
Molly
January 10, 2013
Thanks, Tiffany! I know—crazy, right?
Bernetta
January 11, 2013
Congrats!! Happy for you, and you’re right! It’s alot to digest! TWINS!!
WOW!! I am sure you will be fine. What if its a boy and a girl, what fun!
(First time on your blog from GSMM!)
Molly
January 11, 2013
Hi Bernetta! Thanks for the comment, and welcome to Mamadhi! We know for sure that it’s two boys, and I know NOTHING about boys— so I have a lot to learn!